Accommodating the Accommodations

ACCOMMODATE - TO PROVIDE FOR, ADAPT, ADJUST, MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT

If someone mentions accommodations for our loved ones, we might think along the lines of bathroom modifications or wheelchair ramps. However, an accommodation does not necessarily need to be complicated. Your loved one was having difficulty walking over several months. When you made an appointment with her internist, he referred you to an orthopedic specialist. After an examine and an MRI, the doctor determined your mother's lower back had severe arthritis. To accommodate or make and adjustment for your mother, the doctor prescribed a walker with wheels to take the stress off your mother's back and legs along with mediation to help control the pain. 

Have you ever thought of all the times you have tried to figure out how you were going to accommodate your loved one? And every time you thought "It's not going to work." It does. You don't know how you will ever manage to get your dad to go with you for Sunday dinner. He doesn't like to go and usually comes up with an excuse to cancel. This time you thought fast. You brought along your daughter, Lucinda, to pick him up. When he saw his grandbaby, your dad had a huge smile along with tears streaming down his face. Then she went up to him with a hug and held his hand. He couldn't resist his granddaughter. Your little girl was the accommodation you provided for your dad to lift his spirits. After you thought about it, you realized your dad needed more accommodations or adjustments like Lucinda to brighten his life. You want your father over for dinner on Sundays and realized he stopped going to church when he stopped driving. Your wife and kids all overwhelmingly supported the idea of taking your dad to church and then having him for the afternoon. This adjustment changed your father's life. He had something very special to look forward to every week.      

                                                              Pop and Lucinda

When my mother goes out, she goes with my husband, Jack and me, in my Escape. She likes the car because she is able to get in and out of it. She uses a wheelchair, and she is able to stand just to transfer to get in the car, on the edge of the seat and then push herself all the way up. I had a Taurus X and when I traded it in, I had to purchase another car with seating height similar to accommodate my mother. I told my sales rep, Brent, who I have been working with for about 15 years, that we needed to find a vehicle that my mom would be able to get in. We went through all the cars and checked them until be decided on my silver Escape. Every time we pick up my mom, she tells me what a pretty color and how comfortable the car is for her. So taking the time and having a patient sales rep., like Brent, I was able to find a vehicle, to adjust to my mother's situation.

Elena worked as a legal assistant for twenty years until she was diagnosed with MS. She had to take a medical retirement because of the severity of her condition. Her husband, Peter, worked as an electrical engineer, and averaged ten hour work days. That meant there were evenings Elena did not see Peter because she was already in bed. Finally Elena asked Peter to make some adjustments to his schedule. They figured out what days he could leave earlier and finish his work at home. He talked to his manager about leaving work at 4:30 instead of 7:00 three days a week with the agreement he would finish any assignments at home. This accommodation with their schedule worked. Peter and Elena were able to go out for dinners and spend time together.

As caregivers, we are continuously thinking of creative ways for making accommodations. You can go the traditional route of reading an accommodation book but you may be overwhelmed by chapter two. Instead watch, talk with, listen to, and learn all you can from - other caregivers, employees working for home health agencies, individuals in the medical and mental health field, people in the rehab field, and your loved one. Research information about accommodations on the internet. Check out the accommodation website - JAN. Share your ideas with others. Then when you take out your accommodation books, you will have a better understanding. The books give us wonderful examples and information especially if you are doing a modification. But it's fun to come up with 'out of the box' accommodations and share them with others. That's how we all learn.

Mickey's Anniversary

Dear Mickey -
No matter how many years pass, missing you will never change. You were my buddy. I loved hanging out with you and Mom. I treasured our lunches at your house. I came a little early and we talked while you prepared lunch for Mom and me. Then when Mom came home from her job at the elementary school it was all ready and we ate and talk. I spent many happy times with you and Mom. Out of the many days we spent as a 'team', one of my favorite was in February 1991. You and Mom came with me to help select my wedding dress. We went to several places. As soon as I tried on one dress, you both looked at each and we knew that was the dress and I picked it for my wedding. Not too many brides invite their fathers along when they shop for their wedding dress. Having this experience with both of you was one of the most memorable ones I have.
I didn't want you to suffer from your cancer any longer but it was so difficult letting you go. When you told Mom "Peace, Peace", you knew it was time. And I knew also. June 6th is the 8th year of your passing. Despite the years, I continue to miss you. Mom and I talk about you a lot. But then you probably already know that. Mom told me she likes to talk to your sailor picture. Then she looks at your wedding picture and says she doesn't know why you have the white sailor hat on instead of the navy one. Why didn't the two of you have such an important discussion prior to you leaving us?
Daddy - I will love you forever and ever and ever - Ce

I was my father's significant caregiver while my mother was his primary. He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in May 2004 and passed on within one year. Despite his pain, my dad somehow managed to maintain a good disposition and staff appreciated his upbeat attitude. He went from rehab to hospital back to rehab until he finally spent his last days in University of Michigan - Ann Arbor where he left this world for the next. We don't want to see our loved one suffer but it is sure tough to part from them. And when people tell you that it gets easier over time. Then they never  met my dad. For that matter - they didn't meet either of my parents. I have terrific parents and boy could they dance! Jo and Mickey glided across the floor like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. I acquired my love of dancing from them. I started calling my parents Mickey and Jo as a joke many years ago and sometimes think I say it more than Mom and Dad.

At times I can carry on wonderful conversations about my dad yet other times I become extremely emotional. My dad was 5'7". But to me, he was a giant - a loving, caring, humorous, sensible, incredible giant!   




  

Jo and Mickey 

Mickey and Cecelia

Caregiving Two Very Special People in My World - My Parents

"A Tribute to Two Very Special People in My Life"

In 2004 I the made the decision to embark on a project that changed my life. My father was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in May that year. After the shock of hearing this news, my life has never been the same. The man who could walk faster than me in any store suddenly spent the rest of his life between hospitals and rehabs facilities. I became my father's significant caregiver and my mother was his primary. All three of us were traveling through virgin territory. We were not only dealing with our personal anger, confusion, depression, and frustration, we were also going through all the procedures with doctors, hospitals, rehab facilities, and billing departments. At times, we became overwhelmed with everything we needed to process.

Because of all the issues we were experiencing, I decided to create a caregiver manual. I wrote a few pages of the Prologue and brought them to my parents for their input. I also wanted permission because I planned to use examples out of their lives. After I read a few pages, my dad responded immediately. "Of course, honey. That would be great!" At first my mother hesitated but once I started she became a strong advocate. Through the inspiration and guidance of my parents Michael and Josephine Salamone, I created a practical, easy-to-follow manual - Designated Caregiver - Resource Manual For The Caregiver "On Call 24/7".

As a result of my research and personal connection with Christine Goldberg, the facilitator from Adult Wellbeing, I emphasized to my readers the importance of becoming involved with caregiver support groups. They are instrumental in helping caregivers maintain emotional balance in additional to gaining a wealth of knowledge from the facilitator and members. With our Canton group, when someone discusses a situation, people offer suggestions and encouragement. This group has thrived because they care and work as a team.

My father passed in June 2005 and within six months my mother fell and fractured her left femur. She needed emergency surgery. Then in September 2006, she required another surgery for the same leg followed by two more surgeries in 2011. Since 2006, my mother has been in the hospital and rehabs approximately eight or nine times. Within six months of my father's passing, I became my mother's caregiver. My parents cared for me growing up; and it has been an honor to give back just a small amount of what they did for me.

As a caregiver, my biggest challenge has been to help maintain my parent's emotional wellbeing and keep them laughing. The ability to laugh is a gift from God that helps look at life in a positive, much brighter perspective. I grew up in a home filled with laughter but living with the unknown regarding my parent's medical conditions definitely test my strength. If I Dad was down, I would think of ways to cheer him up. Mom and I spent many 'ten hour days' at the hospital with my father. By that time all of us were exhausted so I would tell Dad, "Okay Mickey, I've been on OT for a couple of hours." He would say, "Well honey, you  better go the nurse's desk and fill out an over time form." Then we would both laugh.

I was extremely close to my father and do not know if I will ever fully get over his passing. Fortunately, I have many happy memories.

Not only has my mother had to cope with the complications from her medical conditions, she also misses my father--he was her life partner for 60 years. Some days she feels down because she looks at his picture and remembers their life together. I will think of one of Dad's humorous antidotes or something Mom and Dad did together to get her laughing. I started calling my parents Jo and Mickey when I was in my 20's and then it got to point I called them Mickey and Jo more than Mom and Dad. I can usually get a smile from them with "Hey Jo, (or Mickey) what's going on?" When I jump around along with my greeting, adds additional effect. Saying "Hi Mom (or Dad) how are you?" just not the same.

Last week I greeted my Mom but she was sad that day. It took me about three hours to get her out of her depression. I told her a few funny stories, turned on the Ellen show, and recruited a couple of the aides who I know brighten up my mother's life. We all got my mom laughing and joking around. I was able to breathe easier because she was in good spirits when I left.

According to Douglas Smith, American's leading hospice expert, young children laugh 400 times each day while adults barely manage 15 chuckles! Laughter is strong medicine for the mind and body, and good for a person's health. And it also has been a wonderful way for me to care for my parents. However, laughter is only one of the many ways I have cared for them. They have all contributed to my parent's well being.

PEOPLE WHO LAUGH, HELP BRING

JOY AND WELL BEING TO THE WORLD !!!

 

This tribute is in the present tense even though my father has passed. However, he will always live in the present for me.    

  

 

Caregivers, Throughout the Holidays, Take Time for Yourself

The holidays can be particularly challenging for caregivers especially when there are additional demands placed on an already stressed life. So advice to caregiver - simplify. Even if you are tempted to have a big, traditional dinner, keep it simple. Caregiving takes energy. So allow others to pitch in with meals while you and your loved one are the guests.

-  If your loved one is not able to travel, ask family members to visit him for limited time periods and bring dinner to both of your. If you feel like you are being overly bold with this request, think about how exhausted you would be with a house full for a traditional dinner. This way your loved one is able to see relatives but does not over strain himself and you do not exhaust yourself having the family stay for dinner. Most family will be very gracious and understanding.  

-  If a couple family members visit over the holidays and bring a meal, that would most likely bring joy to your loved one's life because he is seeing his relations. You can enjoy the company of a couple guests along with a dinner. Makes for a pleasant day.

-  Keep relations alive. Take time to have lunch a couple times a month with a friend or two. Pick a favorite restaurant where you can laugh, cry, and have memorable talks. A couple of my friends and I meet at a local restaurant where as soon as I walk in, I have my coffee on the table. We spend a couple hours eating, laughing, and talking all in warm, welcoming surroundings. 

- Find time several days a week to exercise. Exercise helps your body become physically stronger, improves overall health, and promotes self-confidence. I like to alternate between my Zumba video and going to the gym. My body, mind, and spirit, appreciates both of them.

- If you are involved in a relationship, preserve the romance. Cherish your connection so that both of you keep the spark flourishing. My husband and I like to get dressed up and go out dancing. We  have our special dinner or breakfasts out together. And we like to snuggle.      

-  Talk about your concerns. Tell others how you feel about being a caregiver and your apprehensions regarding your loved one. I'm involved in a caregiver group. Good place to talk about concerns because I am talking to other caregivers who understand.

-  If you decide to change your holiday tradition this year, let your loved one know. He may be upset because he wants the holiday the way its has always been, but explain the reason for the adjustment. You need to take care of yourself. Do not feel guilty and think you need to reconsider your plan. No matter which decision you plan to pursue, stay with the option that is most beneficial for you.

-  Once the Holiday preparations are made, whenever possible include your loved one in activities. Then he will have a sense of the decision making process for the arrangements you are making.

-  For anyone who has a loved one in a care facility, your traditions change completely. Nothing will ever be the same. If possible, decorate your loved one's room with holiday decorations. If he likes music, bring in a CD player. If the care facility is including families to join them with their holiday dinner, contact relatives. Perhaps members will want dinner with you and your loved one. Some are free and others charge a nominal fee.

-  Take special time for yourself each day even if it is only twenty minutes. Read something that interests you. Take a bubble bath. Rent a video or watch a TV show. Spend some time on the computer. Listen to a song from one of your CD's. Spend quiet time. Take a quick nap. I like to read a quick story from Guidepost Magazine.

-  If you are a caregiver to your spouse, some of the same suggestions apply depending on the severity of his condition. If he is able to travel on a limited basis, keep to only one visit per day. Since you care for him, you know his stamina. Do not allow him to push the limits because it is a holiday. While everyone else goes on with their lives, both of you will regret that decision the next day. It is better for him to handle a short visit every couple days, than one long visit. Then he may be too exhausted to leave the house for several days.  

-  Remember who you are. Even though you are the primary caregiver, remember your personal goals. Think about what you want that is special. Caregiving for your loved one is the most rewarding gift you will ever receive. But do not give up your own individual aspirations. I enjoy writing. It belong me. I am a member of MetroDetroitCreativeWriters (MDCW). We started the group about eight years ago. When you do something you enjoy, you can be an even better caregiver.  

-  Happy Holidays!   

Has Your Loved One Passed on Traits to Your Family's Following Generations?

When my father entered a room, people naturally gravitated toward him. He had an incredible smile and warmth about him that welcomed people. He also had a great sense of humor and knew how to bring a smile to someone's face when they were down. He was such a positive person, people enjoyed his energy. If he found a person needed help, he was there to offer his assistance.


My father was devoted to the people he loved -- especially my mother and his family. My parents were married almost 61 years before he passed in 2006. She was the top priority in his life. He was the best father in the world to me. He emphasized the importance of hope, faith, belief in God, sense of family, desire for my education, love and caring for others. Dad and I had many special talks. At family gatherings, we would find a place to talk. We had a standard joke. I would tell him, "Women talk 50,000 words a day and men 25,000," Then I ask him "Daddy, have you talked your 25,000 words yet today?" He would always answer, "No, not yet." Then we would laugh.

Children flocked to my father. He reminded me of the Piped Piper. When we were at a family party, he could calm a crying baby. If a child was sad, Dad knew how to cheer him up. One evening my little cousin sat on the couch crying. My dad sat next to her with his arm around her. Within a short time, they hugged, and she was ready to play.

My father's name was Michael Salamone, and one of his nicknames was Sal. When I was in grade school, the teacher asked me Dad's name. I told her "Sal". As if she did not believe me, she responded, "Your father's name is 'Sal Salamone'?" When I went home, I asked my mother for clarification on my dad's name.

My niece, Alex, started playing basketball in elementary school and now plays for her college. She began within a short time after her brother, Ryan, passed when he was 23. My husband and I go to a couple of her games each season. One of her games I became extremely excited when I saw her T-shirt. In bold letters - SALAMONE! Aside from being thrilled about seeing Alex play, I received the best gift of the night. When she was called on the floor to play, some of her friends yelled out, "GO FOR IT SAL!" I cried. Her other nickname is Al Sal.

Aside from her nicknames - Sal and Al Sal, I thought of other ways Alex is similar in nature to my father. She is definitely a people person. She has the same kind of gentleness my father had. When someone needs help or wants to talk, she is filled with compassion. She reaches out to her friends when they need her. Slhe coaches basketball for youth; babysits, and spends times with her nieces and nephews. After a game, I watched a couple students from the grade school hugging and jumping on her. She is so responsive and lets children know they are exceptional.

Alex is my "Sunshine" because she brings radiance into my life. She sends me texts to tell me she loves me. She likes it when I visit her and loves it when my husband and I go to her games. My dad was the same way. He brought cheerfulness into my life. We had a cottage and he greeted me in the morning with "Morning Glory". He started using this phrase when I was a child.

Alex is spiritual, has hope for her future, and loves her family and the people in her life. She values her education and wants to obtain a meaningful career. She has a great sense of humor. I seek Alex out for wonderful conversations just like I did with my father and sometimes ask for her advice.

God passed on to my precious baby girl, Sal, characteristics my daddy, Sal, possessed. Alex, what incredible gifts you inherited from Pa Pa (Sal). And thanks to God through Alex, part of my father continues to live.

Have your children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren inherited traits from your loved ones?

Helping Our Loved Ones Experience Happiness

Happiness can be the feeling of spiritual contentment that will carry you through the triumphs and heartaches of life with calm stability, serenity and peace of mind. In some cases, happiness affects our attitudes. However, we all have things happen throughout our lives but we have the power to make our own response to those situations. Happiness is a potential positive decision.

According to Douglas Smith, America's leading hospice expert and Director of Kanawha Hospice in Charleston, West Virginia, young children laugh 400 times a day while adults barely pour out 15 chuckles! What an unfortunate contrast. Most often our loved one would prefer a smile and upbeat attitude when we are with them to a negative depostition. Smiles are contagious. Even if your loved one is not responsive to them, keep smiling. You never know when she will finally respond. We may not think they appreciate what we are doing for them because they are not able to communicate. But if they could they would tell how they feel and that they love a cheerful face.

Bring humor into your conversations with your loved one. Think about something funny that might have happen. Our loved ones also enjoy talking about their past. Ask them about fun experiences from their lives. You can also bring up humorous incidences when you were growing up. As long as your loved one is able to talk, get her actively involved in the conversation.

My mother delights in telling others about the many funny experiences at our cottage. Those years were the happiest ones of her life, and when she talks about that time she beams. She enjoys talking about our one cousin who always managed to get himself into mischief. Then she observes as her company joins in her laughter. She will tell me she does not mind being alone but as soon as we have a guest in her home, she is filled with a special glow and shares in lively conversation.

Laughter relaxes the whole body and relieves physical tension. It triggers the release of endorphins, the bodies feel good chemical - great medicine for both you and your loved one.

Laughter is strong medicine for the mind and body, and good for a person's health.

Life is Ever Changing for Caregivers and Loved Ones

Consistency is important for seniors. Despite our efforts to keep the lives of our loved one's stable, life is ever changing and sometimes beyound our control.

Within one week we had three caregivers for my mother. The changes were confusing and a bit upsetting for her. It took a couple of weeks to finalize the caregivers, and we are now working together to establish a routine and become comfortable with each other. We have Jamila on Monday and Wednesday and LaKisha on Friday.

We hired our first caregiver, Susanna, from Senior Helpers in Ann Arbor, a home health care agency, in May 2010. Susanna and my mother bonded very quickly. She did the assigned duties but then would take on other assignments around the condo without being told. Unfortunately, she became ill and needed to resign from her position with my mother and Senior Helpers in August 2011. The agency searched for staff that had personality traits and a work ethic similar to Susanna. She was in college for nursing, and we told her she would one day make a wonderful nurse because of her caring nature.

After Susanna quit, a staff member from the company called me to discuss other caregivers. She told me management was concerned about my mother. She explained they were not able to find one person for the whole week but could find two people if that was agreeable with my mother and me. After my mother and I discussed this option, we decided to try give it a a try.

Even though we needed an adjustment period, my mother and I are very peased with Jamila and LaKisha. Both women have their own unique sparkling personalities. Jamila has a calmness about her that helps my mother relax while LaKisha manages to lift my mother's spirits. But both women know how to get my mother laughing. Without realizing it, Jamila and I have become a comedy act with my mother and she never knows what the two of us will do. It works because we put a smile on her face. If my mother is a little down, LaKisha will look at my mother and say, "My Josephine, I don't like it when you're sad. Now you don't want me to be sad." Then LaKisha pours out her infectious laugh that gets both my mother and me to laugh.

Fridays is our "fun day out". LaKisha, and I take Mom to the hair salon and then Mom treats us to lunch. Even if my mother is exhausted when she returns home, she is happy after her afternoon outings. LaKisha and I try to make those days as enjoyable as possible for her.

Both Jamila and LaKisha have a very serious side with my mother and are extremely protective of her. If they even notice a slight change in her medical condition, they will let me know. When my mother becomes anxious, they are incredible in the manner they calm her. My mother has adopted both women and call them her granddaughters. Senior Helpers diligently searched for an appropriate match for my mother. They did not find an appropriate match - they found outstanding matches with Jamila and LaKisha!

When Senior Helpers recommended both Jamila and LaKisha, I trusted their judgment. After about 1 1/2 years working with this agency, I have developed a special relationship with them. When Susanna quit, my mother and I knew they were considering my mother's best interest before selecting new caregivers. They would not send us one person if they were not a suitable match. Instead, they split the week between two caregivers who they believed were the best candidates. And they found us two wonderful young ladies.

When you hire a home health care agency, employees alternate. Some quit the position, others need to change shifts, and some caregiver-client personalities are not compatible. Maintain a close relationship with management and other staff so when personnel change you can work together to find a compatible caregiver. You want a team that searches out their caregivers and matches them with their clients. When you first hire a caregiver, contact agency staff weekly for the first month regarding their progress and request periodic spot checks. After a couple months, ask for a caregiver conference. If your loved one is physically, mentally, and emotionally able to handle a meeting, include him. Continue contact with the company on a monthly basis unless a need arises sooner and conferences every six months if you and your loved one decide it is necessary. You can always request a conference whenever you feel it would be befencial.

Most agencies welcome participation and caregivers who take a committed role in the lives of their loved ones. Work as a team to make the situation a positive, rewarding one for everyone, but especially for your loved one.